Oh!
Uhh!
Whoa! Ugh!
Ooh!
Stop!
Don't eat that! It's cow poo! Yuck!
Put this down!
What were you doing? You were eating cow poo!
Come on. Let's get you home.
Got to get you clean. Come on.
Let's get you in the bath. Get you all clean.
Sorry, Steve, I'll milk you later.
Hi, Steve!
Come on.
You're so handsome. You're so handsome!
Hey. It's me.
I can't wait to see you and the boys.
I can't believe it's been 6 weeks. Love you. 'Bye.
Jimmy. I can't believe I missed your call.
It must have been while I was wiping cow poo off our sons.
What time is the boat due in?
I'm dying to see you.
Hello! You're still not there.
You haven't moved back to London on me, have you?
Potty now!
Now? Alright.
Wow, really? Oh! Hang on.
Where'd you get Mommy's earplugs?
Eeeee...
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh.
- Eeeee... - Mommy! Mommy!
Yay, me, me!
Sorry, Zack, just let Fred finish.
'Cause if he doesn't drop his load
Fred is going to explode!
- Eeee... - Finished!
All done? Come on, then.
Whee! Oh.
- No poo. - All gone.
Zack, no!
Oh! Zack.
I need those.
- 'Cause who's coming home today? - Daddy!
Daddy boat, Daddy boat, Daddy boat
Daddy boat, Daddy boat, Daddy boat...
Hey. It's me.
There's a north wind trying to blow us back to the Antarctic,
but I promise I'll be home for dinner can't wait.
- Boat! - That's like Daddy's boat.
- Boat! - We don't need this boat.
Because Daddy's coming home on his great big boat.
We hope.
- Boat! - I said no.
Come on! Come on!
- Boat! Boat! - Boat!
Boat!
Boat! Boat! Boat! Boat! Boat!
When moon shines
It's light on the sea
It's golden path glistens
The waves call and listen
To children who sleep finally
The night birds before us
Sing softly in chorus
And I clearly see...
I need a tantrum of my own
Don't wanna raise these kids alone
I'm sick of being tough
I feel I've had enough
I need a tantrum of my own
Waaaahhh!
Waaaahhh
Aaahh
Aaahhhhh
Ah. ha..
Ah. Uh...
Hey, crazy girl.
- Sorry I'm so late. - Oh!
- Been a big day, has it? - Oh, baby.
You don't know the half of it.
I love your smell.
- You have the best smell. - Thanks.
- Wanna go to bed? - Yeah.
Jimmy.
El...
Doesn't matter.
And now, Elspeth Dickens,
mother of twins...
...executes a triple half pike with a twist of lemon.
Baby?
- Mama! Mama! - Oh! Hold that thought.
OK. You sit there, you sit there. Alright. OK.
- Come on, Dad! - Give it a kick!
Doo-doo...
- Yeah! - Yes!
Let's all do the shimmie shake
Shake it on way down low
Shake it on high...
We got about 3 minutes till they're back in here.
Ah! That's stacks of time!
Peekaboo!
- Lads. - Hi.
Hi.
Who wants to make breakfast in bed for Mama?
- Me! - Hey! Come on.
Huh?
- I'm on it, I'm on it. - The stove.
- What? What? - It's on.
- Careful, you'll step on the... - Get them off the counter.
You put them next to a burning stove!
What did you want me to do?
Put them on the floor with the broken glass?
- Can you pass me a paper towel? - Where are they?
In the drawer, where they always are.
Mama's foot.
Yes, bubba, Mama got some glass in it.
- Can I help? - No.
- You've done enough. - El, don't do this.
Maybe Dad'll take Fred and Zack to feed the chooks
while Mama cleans up in here.
- I can clean. - No, Mama will do it.
- What are we doing? - It's OK.
We'll go feed the chooks. Daddy will be there in a second.
- What's going on? - Nothing.
You go away, you come back.
You vanish into the Antarctic for weeks at a time
and I can't contact you.
That's the job.
Why don't I go record the sounds of the whales?
You stay here and do my job.
Do you ever think about what it's like
for me to be stuck here?
- No friends, no family. - I know.
I know it wasn't much of a career, but I miss doing my gigs.
- I know. - Singing my little songs.
- I know! - You don't!
Don't say you know when you don't know.
You have your whales and your work.
I've got one little boy who won't take his wings off
and another who refuses to defecate.
It's not forever.
- Remember the deal? - Yeah, I remember.
Your deal. The deal you proposed to me.
You look after the kids till they start school,
then it's my turn.
They won't go to school for another 8 billion years.
You said you wanted to support me doing something important.
And I do.
You said you were sick of singing to drunks in London pubs.
You wanted this. You loved the idea of coming here.
Look around you. It's beautiful.
Can you go check on the kids?
El, the whales are here,
and unless they start swimming up the Thames...
You can't leave 'em alone in the chicken coop. It'll be chaos.
Steven. Please don't eat my succulents.
I'm gonna take the boys into town.
Give you a break for the day.
Thanks.
James?
Sorry.
Come on, lads!
In it's hunt for the dwindling whale population,
the commercial whaling fleet is heading
to the Australian Antarctic territory...
- They're out. - Thanks.
Really, thank you.
These ships have entered the sanctuary...
You know about this?
However, there is no practical mechanism
for the government to enforce that law,
leaving the whales vulnerable to slaughter.
The Minister for the Environment regrets the situation, but...
They called earlier.
Are there protest boats?
You're going with them, aren't you?
Oh. I almost forgot.
So we can see each other while I'm away. It's a web-cam.
Better hurry up. The ship's about to leave.
Jimmy, don't be too brave, OK?
James?
Jimmy?
I'm here.
Hi. Yes.
I'm just trying to work out whether I'm doing something wrong
or the ship is actually out of contact.
Oh, I see.
Well... I'll keep trying anyway.
Jimmy.
Jimmy?
I'm here!
I am here.
Zack! Fred! Nap time!
Right.
Set up streaming in a few minutes.
Start building your audience.
Bollocks.
Oh, my God! I'm on!
I'm on!
Welcome to my kitchen sink
This is where I stop and think
Where I'm sometimes on the brink
Of madness
Welcome to my washing-up
My 40,000th coffee cup
A place that knows my every sulk
And sadness
Here I'm stuck night after night
Here I plot revenge and flight
Here's the scene of wifely compromise
Pine O Cleen and Lemon Gleam
The kitchen sink is where I dream
And where I fantastic.
Hello.
My husband gave me this web-cam
so that I could communicate with him,
but he's not there.
So I've decided to talk to you instead.
Well, sing, actually.
Hang on. I'll go see if you're there.
You're not there.
I'm talking to myself again.
He was standing in front of me
with this deadly serious face
and he absolutely looked like his father.
So I said to him in my best serious mother voice,
"Well, darling, that's because Sophie doesn't have testicles!"
Sorry! My ball.
- So, what did he say? - I dropped my ball.
Sorry, finish your story.
Um, and he said,
"But why doesn't Sophie have testicles, Mummy?
"Did they fall off?"
Did you need something?
Um...
Mind if I join you?
Uh...
- Um, yeah, sure. - Sit down.
Look, I'm new here,
and to be perfectly honest, I'm going a bit loopy.
It's not as wonderful as everyone makes out, is it?
Being a mother.
Sometimes you just want to slap 'em
into the middle of next week, don't you?
You have something on your top. I think it's banana.
- I would never hit my children. - No, no...
No, you idiot. She didn't mean literally.
You know, I bought bananas at the organic market.
They're not cheap.
But they're good for the planet
and they're not gonna give you cancer.
Have you heard about putting plastic bottles in your freezer?
Apparently, you get instant cancer.
- Are these antibacterial? - Yeah, of course.
Otherwise, you're just transferring the germs.
Um, was that you the other day at the supermarket?
- With the twins. - No. I don't think so.
Oh! Oh, those kids were out of control!
- Out of control. - Out of control. Out of control.
Do you let them watch TV
And feed them chips and cake for tea?
Or do you give them salad for supper?
Once a week, I serve 'em pizza
From the freezer frozen treats
I'm a bad, bad mother
Mama walks the shores of Devon
My shoe size is 5
And she wears 7
I'm just a lonely cowgirl with the blues
With an aching need to fill my mama's shoes
Do they play the violin yet?
Do they run the minute mile yet?
Are they much more gifted than the others?
Whoo!
They just like to play the fool
And run around in a circle
I'm a bad, bad, bad, bad, bad mother
Do your babies read and write?
Do they sleep sound at night?
Do they play in the fresh air?
And if they don't, do you really care?
- Whoo! - Aaaah!
Whoo-hoo!
- Whoo-hoo! - Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!
My mama walks the hills of heaven
My shoe size is 5
And she wore 7
I'm just a lonely cowgirl
- With the blues - Mama's shoes
With an aching need
To fill my mama's
Shoes
Oh, mama's shoes
Whoo!
- Hey-hey, hey-hey - Hills of heaven
- Hoo-hoo-hoo - Hills of heaven...
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Oh, I feel much better now that I've shared that with you.
I'd feel even better if I knew you were watching.
So please log on.
Let me know what you think.
Oh! Hang on!
- Hi. - Hi.
I'm Neil.
I'm Neil from CCI.
Computer Care International.
Oh, I thought you worked at the supermarket.
I do.
Right. Well, come on in.
Uh, you need some keywords for the search engines
so people can find you.
Like "singer" or, you know, "singing songs".
- Ooh! "Sink songs". - "Sing songs"?
No, "sink songs".
Oh, I get it. "Sink songs".
- Mmm. - Oh, OK. Yeah.
Anything else?
Um, other keywords.
"Desperate housewife".
"Songs from kitchen".
"Domestic prisoner's musical breakout".
I don't know, Neil. Any suggestions?
No, no, no, no, th-that's great, yeah.
Uh, um... You can have, like, a ring tone thing too.
For what?
To let you know when people are logging on.
So each time someone logs on, you hear...
Quack-quack.
Neigh!
But there's a lot to choose from.
Or you could make your own.
Oh, I think animal sounds are brilliant.
I've got your cam stream now linked up with YouTube
and Facebook and MySpace.
That's great. That's wonderful.
- How much do I owe you? - No, no. Nothing. It's...
It's free for you.
Uh, I mean, there's a special on.
- F-first visit is free. - Oh.
No charge.
What about Computer Care International?
Won't they be cross?
Oh, um... They are me. I am it. I am...
..Computer Care International.
Careful, darling.
Oh, darling. Come here.
Come here.
Shh, shh, shh.
If you didn't do what you wanted to
If you only did what everybody told you
Who would you be?
You will always try You will always fly
You will always look a tiger in the eye
Take it from me
I see in your eyes
There's a movie of dreams
See there is more to you
Than it first seems
See you are brighter
Than all the moonbeams
You know
For you light up the darkness You glow
Don't give up, Don't give in
Don't let go.
Welcome to my kitchen sink
This is where I stop and think
Where I'm sometimes on the brink
Of madness...
- What is that? - A mate sent me the link.
It's supposed to be some girl down in Tasmania.
On a platter!
- Here it comes. - Cross as a frog in a sock.
If we don't find a goddess by Friday,
they're going to pull the account.
And if they pull the account, we'll be letting people go.
Thanks for waiting. I was just putting my boys down.
You know, staying at home with the kids can be great.
Really special.
Not that I'd ever take any of it back.
But do you ever wonder
what other lives you might have lived?
Do you ever suddenly have the urge to be someone else?
Do you ever think...
I have an itch
To be a corporate bitch
In a suit with stockings and high, high heels
On my long, long legs
You know I'd hire
Then again, I'd also fire
Anyone who under performs
Or was plainly the dregs
I'd jog into work at 6
'Cause that's how I'd get my kicks
Macchiato in my suite 'Cause I take my coffee neat
The only boys I would employ would be hunky, hot and toy
So that I can just harass their tight little arses
I wanna be a mover, a shaker
A fashionista ballbreaker
I wanna be a CEO queen
I wanna rock the private investment scene
So that their deal
Would need my corporate bitch seal
I have an itch to be a rich kitsch bitch
Manicure and massage a la plage
Followed by a painless Brazilian...
It's that girl from the park!
Andy Warhol on my wall tells me I could have it all
I would like to bankrupt you and still have a kid or two
I'd take a week from work so that I could carry them
And if they didn't arrive on time
It's a caesarean
I wanna be a mover, a shaker
A fashionista ballbreaker
I wanna be a CEO queen
I wanna rock the scene
The paparazzi will take pictures
Of my dynasty of bitches
I have an itch
To be ruthless in my pitch
To be a system-bucking eyebrow-plucking
Tantrum-chucking corporate bitch!
Cassandra?
Sure.
No problem.
Bye.
Yaw!
It's a computer, a laptop,
pitched specifically at the female market,
and I need someone who embodies today's woman
mother, lover, artist,
corporate bitch.
We want to see all these facets.
And I have flown all the way down from Sydney today
because I think you'd be perfect.
We want to use all your songs, the whole web cam thing.
Naughty!
Zack!
No!
Yeah!
Um... Was it a very expensive phone?
Oh...!
He's out of contact.
I don't know when he'll be in contact, so I had to say no.
I think he'd want you to take this opportunity, Elspeth.
If we were part... partners,
I know I would.
I think you should call that lady back and say yes.
Oh, Neil, that's so sweet.
But even practically speaking, what do I do with the kids, eh?
What do I do with you two for 3 days?
Well, I trained as a paediatric nurse,
but quite frankly, I just think the most important thing
is that I click with the litlies.
- Click! - Click!
In breaking news, heartless career woman
abandons helpless twins in pursuit of fame and fortune.
Nakedly ambitious singer realises error of ways
as plane plummets into Pacific.
Environmentally friendly husband marries marine mammal
and selfish, selfish woman gets what she deserves.
Coffee?
- Uh-uh-uh. - Mm-hm! Hmm.
- Ahhhh! - Ohhh!
You clear off! The police are on their way! Clear off!
My... my husband's inside, and... and he's got a gun!
Who the hell are you? Where's Elspeth?
Welcome to Hotel Sydney, ma'am.
Thank you.
Whoop... Whoops.
Watch where you're going, lady!
Hang on a second.
Round again. Hello!
Elspeth! Okay!
- Um, I'm Ralph. - Hi. I'm Elspeth.
Hi.
- These are for you. - Oh, thank you.
- Oh. - Oh.
I'll get... Ah!
You get... You...
Ah! Yeah.
I'm gonna get your bag and we'll go this way.
And this is your room.
- It's a terrible view, hey? - Whoa!
And this is to keep you famous.
You can broadcast whenever you like.
I have an itch...
Hey, whoa! What are you doing? You're not putting me on.
I'm just checking my web cam back home.
I've hidden it in a pot plant.
You've hidden it?
Yeah I've turned it into a nanny cam
to keep an eye on things.
Elspeth Dickens, 007.
Ooh! That's a big noise.
There's my boys.
This should help with the pain, Mr Dickens.
Oh, thanks.
I'm so terribly sorry.
That's alright, Mary. I'm sorry about the swearing.
Oh, I should have realised who you were,
but Mrs Dickens said you were out of contact...
No, no. It's fine.
Would you like me to take them out for a bit of a walk
so you can have a rest?
Thanks, but...
Would you like something to eat?
Mary, what I'd really like
is to spend some time with the kids on my own.
Here.
Oh, mama-mama-mama mama-mama-mama-maria
Oh-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-Ii-aa
Gimme a hotel Gimme a motel
Gimme a vacancy
Gimme the space now, out of my face now
Do not disturb me
I'm ripping off my collar I'm gonna howl and holler
I'm gonna have a pillow fight
I'm gonna dance the whole damn night
- I love a private party - Yeah, yeah, yeah
- Nobody's invited - No, no, no
'Cause that's what I decided
And what the lady wants, the lady's gonna get, yeah
I've got the time to make me
So even I would take me
I think I'm gonna kiss me
I'll leave and then I'll miss me
I'm using all the shampoo
Because you told me not to
I might do things I've never done
I'm gonna take the towels and run, hey
I love a private party
Nobody's invited
'Cause that's what I decided
And what the lady wants, the lady's gonna get, yeah
I'm gonna raid the bar fridge
I'm gonna hog the bed now
I'm gonna play my music
I'm gonna play it loud now
Mama-mama-mama- mama-mama-mama-maria
Oh-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-ia
And I love a private party
Nobody's invited
I'm turning down the lighting
- It could get quite exciting - Lady, get what you want
I'm turning out the lights now.
Gerald would have a fit if I carried on like that.
Gerald would have a fit if you farted without permission.
Well, at least she's trying to do something with her life.
At least she's trying.
Oh, for heaven's sake, will someone get this woman to bed?
Helen, can she use the spare room?
No, no, I'm not tired.
I'm pregnant.
- Oh, no. - Oh.
Sorry.
Hi, Mary. It's Elspeth.
I'm just checking in to see how you and the boys are doing.
Um, give me a buzz back when you get this message. Thanks.
Ready?
- Alright. - Yeah?
Wait!
Enter.
Well! You look all shiny and new.
8 hours sleep without a single toddler finger up your nostril
will do that for you.
Thanks for having me.
I just can't believe it. It's a dream.
Ralph, fetch the Goddess.
- Tada. - I love it.
It's beautiful.
Goddess.
For all the women you are.
Is that a line from the ad?
That's the line. My line, actually.
And strictly speaking, it's not an ad, it's a webisode.
A series of webisodes.
So the idea is, right, to post a whole bunch of clips
of you singing on the Net,
and in each clip, you'll play
one of these different characters.
And then you'll use your Goddess computer
to solve any little problems that might arise.
Have you had a chance to read the scripts yet?
- Great. - Big day tomorrow.
- Are you ready? - Mm-hm.
- Hello? - Oh, hi!
Hey.
- So, you got a gig. - Yeah.
It's a Web thing. Son of ads but on the Net.
- So you're back. - Yep. Yep.
I left a million messages for you,
but you weren't there, and I thought,
"He wouldn't want me to miss an opportunity like this."
So I took the plunge.
Have you met Mary? Isn't she great?
Um...
- Yeah. - How are the whales?
- How did it go? - Fine. Good. It went well.
Don't be angry with me, James.
The opportunity came up and I took it.
Fine.
Don't say it's fine when you don't mean it.
- I do mean it. - No, you don't. You're angry.
I'm not angry. I just wasn't expecting you to be away.
- Yeah, well, I am. - Yeah, you are.
When you're away, do I call up and pick fights with you?
Picking fights? I'm not the one picking fights!
Why would you accuse me of picking fights
when I'm thousands of miles away
already feeling bad about doing something
that's my perfect right to do?
Welcome to my kitchen sink
This is where I think and think...
Sorry. Can I just check the lyrics?
Elspeth, this is your song. You know the lyrics.
I know, I know.
- Do you want to take a minute? - No, I'll get it right.
Still rolling.
Welcome to my kitchen sink
This is where I stop and think...
- Um, did geishas wash up? - Cut!
89.7% of all domestic cleaning is performed by women,
regardless of their profession.
Is that true?
I've absolutely no idea, darling, but it feels true, doesn't it?
Don't eat the props!
Shit!
Sorry.
Changing lenses. Take 5.
I'm sorry. I've gone all fuzzy round the edges.
I've seen this a million times.
You're terrified of succeeding so you sabotage yourself
before you can be disappointed.
Do you really think so?
We're ready.
What I think?
What I think is, you can do this.
Mm-hm?
Right. Come on, alien girl.
Eh?
- What do you reckon? - Handsome.
Hey? I look like a giant squid.
Come on. Just a few more shots and it's a wrap.
And then it's drinkies and a fancy-schmancy din-dins.
- Oops! Where are we going? - Oh, my head.
It's just down here. They're waiting.
- No, for din-dins. - Oh, for din-dins?
- I think it's a sushi joint. - I need the toilet.
Thanks for the gig. For all this.
I'm having so much fun.
I'm sorry about today. I'm sorry if...
Oh, sorry, schmorry. You're doing brilliantly.
And if I may make a prediction, it's going to make you famous.
- Really? - Mm-hm.
Tell me about you. Are you married?
Jettisoned the husband, darling.
When you're breaking through the glass ceiling,
there are bound to be casualties.
Well, angel, he could barely do wee-wees standing up by himself.
Honestly, no loss there.
Any kids?
No, no, never did the kid thing.
Oh, look.
Oh!
Here we have a tower of lobster tail,
fried quail egg topped with fresh Sydney rock oyster
and an icing of crushed beluga caviar
accompanied by sauce Choron.
Thank you.
Ooh! Mmm!
Mmm!
- Elspeth! - What?
You just murdered an entire symphony of taste sensations.
Sorry. Just so excited to eat a meal I haven't cooked myself.
- Here. - Oh, no, it's yours.
- Honestly, I'm not hungry. - Oh, OK.
Now, one more time with feeling.
Savour the sluttish luxuriance of the oyster.
Let the juices have their wicked way with you.
Love it like you're not supposed to.
Aren't we naughty?
It's such a lovely night.
I think I'm going to walk back to the hotel.
Yes, of course, but before you go,
I want you to do something for me.
I want you to repeat after me,
"I am Elspeth Dickens, goddess!"
No!
Come on. You've got a big photoshoot tomorrow.
I need you to be in the right headspace.
Think of it as a branding exercise.
What brand of woman are you?
I am Elspeth Dickens, goddess!
Yes, you are. See you at the studio. 7 a.m. sharp.
Oh, my, here's a beauty
She's a real cutie
Think I feel a duty to put her in my song.
- What's your name, darling? - I'm Elspeth Dickens, goddess.
Elspeth is a goddess
- And she is very modest... - Mm-hm.
She is much too pretty to be alone in this big old city
Oh, Elspeth Dickens, my heart quickens
But I ain't easy pickins 'cause you walk like
You walk like, You walk like
10 chickens.
- I'm sorry, but it rhymes. - Rubbish.
I have to play here
Don't disappear, dear...
She flies like a seagull...
Still rubbish!
And people...
So that's the Megaptera novaeangliae.
- That's the humpback whale. - Moo!
No, that's a cow, OK? But this...
Thank you.
That's the noise he makes as well.
So this...
...is the Globicephala melaena that's the pilot whale.
That's the mighty sperm whale.
Bye, chaps. Wish me luck.
Darling, Botticelli's Venus doesn't have any clothes.
Can't I be the Mona Lisa instead, then?
No, precious. You're a goddess. That's the whole point.
I'm not a goddess. I'm a mother with stretch marks.
We can fix all that. Trust me. You'll look perfect.
But isn't the whole point that I'm not perfect?
That I'm a normal mother who still has a life?
Angel, the earth mother is dead.
People want to see moms portrayed as bold and sexy.
I don't want to take my clothes off.
I'm a singer, not a centerfold.
Ralph!
Ah... Elspeth, I think you look... hot.
But not like a... not a dirty hot. Like a... a... a classy hot.
And... you know, and twice as rich.
Your hair's covering your boo... hip... your bips.
Your... your bits.
Do you think we could use a model's body
and just stick her head on it?
You're missing the point!
I don't feel right about being plastered
over the arse end of a bus
with whoever's body I happen to be wearing
stark bloody naked!
Hello?
Cassandra?
Do you want people to hear your songs?
Yes, of course.
Then you need exposure.
- Yeah, but I didn't think... - Everything costs.
Everything has a price.
You want some of this, you give up some of that.
I'm sorry, I just don't think I should give up...
Oh, come on, Elspeth both you and I know
you would do backflips naked across Sydney Harbour Bridge
to get where you want to go.
And that's OK.
But be that person.
Don't pretend to be this dreary little house mouse
clutching onto her modesty.
It's dishonest.
I don't want to be naked. That's not dishonest.
What is dishonest is wasting time in here
so you can feel better about making the compromise
you know you have to make out there.
What is dishonest is keeping
an entire studio full of professionals waiting
while you pretend you're not
an extremely ambitious young woman
who knows exactly what she must do
to get where she wants to go.
That is dishonest.
Breathe. Take a deep breath.
Take a break. Take a moment for yourself.
And then it's back out there to do the job
you're being paid to do.
OK?
A foolish little princess wanted all
See her pride See her fall
Somewhere in the fountain
A magic fish swims and sings
Be careful what you wish...
Danger in the air now What, what, what you want?
Is this what you really want? Your fairytale unfolds, wow
What, what, what you want?
Is this what you really want?
Princes may be really frogs
Look out for 3-headed dogs
Sleeping there in hollow logs
Be careful what you wish
- Careful, don't play the fool - Ah
You may be forced to duel
Did you set out to rule? Ah
When you get it Ah hah hah hah
Is this what you came here for?
- Ah - Beware of the golden doors
You get what you're asking for
When you get it Ah hah hah hah hah hah
Did you want the crown now?
What, what, what you want?
Is this what you really want?
You're in lost-and-found now
What, what, what you want
Is this what you really want?
Build a castle made of sand
There's something loose out in the land
May not be what you have planned
Be careful what you wish
- Careful, don't play the fool - Ah
You may be forced to duel
And did you set out to rule?
When you get it Ah hah hah hah
Was this what you came here for?
Beware of the golden door
You get what you're asking for
When you get it Ah hah hah hah hah hah.
- They uploaded your webcasts! - Oh, great!
- Which made the server collapse. - Oh, no.
No, no, no, that's great!
The server collapsed because every man and his dog
is logging on to watch you.
So, drum roll, please.
Cassandra pitched an idea to the client.
I have suggested that instead of wasting Elspeth Dickens
on the Asia-Pacific campaign,
they use her to spearhead the...
..international launch!
Rich! Rich! You'll be rich, I tell ya!
They've asked for a day or two to consult the powers that be,
but what this means in the short term is that I need you here,
ready to jump when they say jump.
Oh, that's great, but I'm on the 6 o'clock flight.
- Uh, no, cancelled it. - But the kids, James!
They're expecting me home.
Don't get me wrong. This is wonderful.
But I have to have a conversation with my husband...
Ralph, go to the lobby and fetch me a sparkling mineral water.
Yep. There's one in the minibar.
- Ralph? - Mmm?
Oh! Exiting stage left.
I was tough on you the other day, I know.
But I only said what I said
because the big time is barrelling towards you
like a freight train.
It will only come once.
There will only be one opportunity to get on board.
And if you don't take your seat now,
then some other lucky girl will.
And your chance will pass.
Forever.
If you're going to make this work, then you need to let...
- What's his name, your husband? - James.
Then you need to let James carry more of the load.
We have a deal.
We agreed I'd be the main carer until the kids were...
Deal, schmeal.
Opportunities like this come once in a lifetime.
You need to renegotiate your deal.
- I guess I'll get Mary back. - Why can't you do it?
I can for a bit, but I've got to go back to work on Wednesday,
and if you can't say how long you're gonna be...
James, I want to renegotiate our deal.
Yeah, whose big idea was that in the first place?
Mine. I'm not blaming you. I'm just asking you to review it.
You threw the deal out the window
the moment you took off for Sydney.
Don't be pretending to ask my permission.
You don't seriously expect me to tell these people to go away
until the twins went to school
because that's when it's my husband's turn to look after them,
so that's when I could work?
I expected you to do exactly what you wanted to do,
and that's what you've done shock, horror.
What's the matter with you?
Don't you want this for me?
For us? Don't you want this money?
3 cheers for Elspeth, bringing home the big bucks.
You're all snippy because you're tired,
'cause you're looking after twin terrors 24/7.
Try doing it for two and a half bloody years.
Try shoving your head up your bum!
Interesting how calm and rational you can be
when I'm the one stuck at home.
But as soon as the shoe is on the other foot...
- Hey, Elspeth. - What?
This!
Hey, goddess lady! Whoa! It's me.
Hey, I've been watching your stuff on YouTube.
You're... You're awesome.
No, I'm not. I'm rubbish.
Oh. It's like that, is it?
I'm a sellout. I don't do anything properly.
I'm a crap wife, a crap mother and a terrible person.
Ah!
Goodnight.
The goddess comes in all shapes and sizes
She is full of surprises Here comes the goddess
Sometimes she wears inappropriate clothing
Sometimes she's wearing a nose ring
Maybe wearing her make-up
Maybe not
She comes when you least expect her
But nobody can reject her
Here comes the goddess
So if you're spiritually incomplete
If you're out there searching the street
Look closely at the women you meet
The goddess she will surely affect you
Then she'll come disinfect you
Maybe wearing dark glasses
She's got two big asses
Struts her stuff for you
Eats enough for two
A dangerous dancer
She might be the answer
She comes when you least expect her
And nobody can reject her
Here comes the goddess
So if you're spiritually incomplete
If you're out there searching the street
Look closely at the women you meet
Here comes the goddess
Sometimes she doesn't wash her hair
Sometimes she's hairy like a bear
Sometimes she wears a wedding ring
So look around
Here comes the goddess
The goddess Perhaps her nose is red
She might be the stranger in your bed
Perhaps she will knock you on your head
So look around
Here comes the goddess
Oh, here she comes
A dangerous dancer
She might be the answer
Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
Here comes the goddess.
Sun rubbish.
So.
Same time, same place?
Can I come up?
- Rory! - What?
Just to make sure the fella in the funny outfit doesn't mug ya.
Good bye.
Thank you.
Stop it.
Stop it. I mean it. No.
You are Elspeth Dickens, mother,
and you are playing dangerous games.
Who's she talking to?
You are Elspeth Dickens, wife,
and your husband's name is James, James...
- Is she writing a song? - I don't think so.
James, James, James.
Oh... There you are.
Oh. Oh, my God. That's him.
That's the husband. That's her kitchen. She's switched us over.
Come on! You worked the last time.
- Come on. - Have you tried pulling it?
- What? - Um, the knob.
Sorry?
Sorry.
Ah.
I'm Cherry.
From the agency. I'm the babysitter.
Oh, Cherry. What happened to Mary?
She's with another family, I think.
Oh, well. You're here. That's great. I'm James.
- Hi, James. - Come and meet the, uh...
- The children? - The children.
A massive ground assault is underway.
Oh, jeepers.
What's wrong? Did they do a poo?
No poo.
Hello, little ones.
If you don't do a poo, you're gonna explode.
Boom!
Uh, hey. Who wants to make playdough?
Do you want to make playdough? Let's do that. Yeah.
- A little Elmo. - A little Elmo.
Little arms.
Can I get you anything before you go'?
- No, I'm fine. Thank you. - Alright. Hey...
Boys, we're gonna make a cake, aren't we?
Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake!
This playdough's hard work.
Oh, you go whenever you need to.
- I don't have to go just yet. - Oh.
- OK. - OK. Yep.
Mommy!
We've got no right to be doing this.
They don't even know there's a camera there.
Which makes it reality TV at its finest.
- Mommy! Mommy! - Not now, Napoleon!
Should we ask Daddy to be our guinea pig?
Yeah? Alright.
Open wide.
- Oh, no. Oops. - That's really yummy.
Mmm!
Oh, that... That is good.
- Good work. - Mmm!
- Oh, look! What's that? - Cake!
- You're not Mary. - I want cake!
But first, Daddy's gonna ice it.
I can't. I'll bugger it up.
- He'll just get in the way. - Oh, here.
- Oh, Elspeth doesn't like this. - What?
- Two people in the kitchen.
- She says I get in the way. - We like having you here.
- Don't we? - Yes!
I'm having great fun, but...
...I've really got to go shopping.
- Here. - Daddy's being silly!
- He is! He can't go like that. - Like what?
That shirt needs a sponge. It'll take me 2 secs.
- Come on, off with it. - Are you sure?
- Mm-hm. - Oh.
We can't let Daddy go looking all gooey, can we?
"Oh, oh, oh, oh! We can't let Daddy go looking all gooey."
"No, we have to sponge him down first."
- Nice tatts. - Great back.
You should see his bottom.
We have.
This is somebody's husband! It's someone's private life.
That's what makes it so good!
I'm gonna tell him. I'm gonna tell James.
He's got a right to know he's being watched.
Oh.
You should see the stats.
You have got the most powerful non-parochial penetration
since Julian Assange leaked all over his Wiki.
Oh! What's this?
A first-class ticket to New York, New York.
Sit and I'll upload.
Wow!
Not everyone can have what you want
Fame is a crowded room
Everybody wants the one shot
At the sun spot that's up at the top
I'm the one who can jump to the front of the line
Make the sun shine Do you know who I am?
Ooh
Follow me and you'll hit the spot
I can sell everything you've got
Make you into what you are not
Package and mould you Lick you and fold you
Get your head around this I am offering bliss
Blow me a kiss Do you know who I am?
Do you want to feel the heat
Of people screaming at your feet?
Oh! Hold yourself steady
Aw!
Yeah, you're already mine
It's time
Sign here
Go get your high heels I own the big deals
And if you squander this, your life is done
It comes but once, now
Don't be a dumb cow
This is your final chance now, sugar plum...
Tomorrow, we fly to New York, just for a few days,
to bang out the deal.
You schmooze and charm
while I screw them for every cent they've got.
Then it's back here to pack and off we go.
Break the glass Make a pass
Shake that ass while you still can
Do you want to feel the heat
Of people screaming at your feet?
Oh! Hold yourself steady
Aw!
Yeah, you're already mine
It's time
Sign here
Da-da-da-da-da
On the dotted line
Da-da-da-da
You're not that special, baby
Da-da-da-da
Da, feel the heat, da-da
Da-da-da-da-da-da
Da-da-da-da...
Ralph! Bring the contract.
Now, as you can imagine,
I have got a million things to do before we go,
so I will see you tomorrow morning...
...in the limousine.
- Scary. - I heard that!
Oh!
It seems just a blink ago I was sentenced to kitchen duties
for the term of my natural life, and then...
...you spotted me.
And now I'm off for... How long is this tour thing?
Oh... Uh, best guesstimate? Let's see. Uh...
- 3 months-ish. - 3?!
Well, I'll have to get a full-time nanny.
Yay! A full-time nanny!
You can get a whole fleet of nannies!
- Whoo! - Hooray!
And then I can just take them from hotel to hotel with me.
Sure.
Or you could just... leave them at home.
Sure. But maybe not for 3 months.
People work and travel with kids and partners.
Look at movie stars. They do it all the time.
Yeah.
Anyway, I get it. This is my big chance.
I'd be a fool not to.
Yeah, so, I need you to sign...
...there, sign there, initial there and sign there.
- Right. - Mmm!
With the money you make from this,
you could pay for your kids' entire education.
- Oh... - Mm-hm.
Ralph, I've got to sit with this.
Read it like a proper grown-up.
Can I bring it to the airport tomorrow morning?
Not if you want to see me alive again.
Oh...
No, why don't I swing by tonight and pick it up from the hotel?
Oh, Ralph! You're such a champ.
Thank you. Thank you for everything.
That's OK.
Oh, what happened, pal? Did you hurt yourself?
- You OK? - Fred fell down.
- It's OK. Dada's got you. - Mama song.
Mama song?
For you light up the darkness
You glow Don't give up
Don't give in Don't let go.
- Mama song. - OK, Mama song. OK.
If you didn't do what you wanted to
If you only did what everybody told you
Who would you be?
You will always try You will always fly
You will always look a tiger in the eye
Take it from me
I see in your eyes
There's a movie of dreams
See there is more to you
Than it first seems
See you are brighter than all the moonbeams
You know
For you light up the darkness
You glow
Don't give up Don't give in
Don't let go.
Yeah.
- What's up, buttercup? - Sorry.
I was just watching my family.
Oh.
You're gonna be fine. James is doing a great job.
Yeah. He...
How do you know?
I've been watching too.
Everybody can see it.
It is on your website.
Huh?
You... You...
You just switch from the Sydney web cam to the Hobart web cam.
You know that.
- Bollocks. - How could you not know that?
- Can you show me how you... - What are you so panicked about?
I haven't even told him about the web cam.
I mean, about me doing the web cam thing,
let alone the fact that he and the kids are now...
Oh, how could I? How could you?
I... I thought you knew. I'm sorry.
I'm such an idiot!
If I'd just... Who's done all this artwork?
They... We... We thought you'd be pleased.
Alright. Well, I think it's ready.
Oh, there you are.
- Can you please go? - I need the contract.
I'm starved. Thank you.
Um...
You've just... missed one. Just there.
Thanks.
Pick you up from the lobby in the morning, then.
Oh...
- You're very tense. - Yeah.
You worry about things, don't you?
Oh. Oh...
- Is that OK? - Yeah. Yeah, right there.
Oh, God, yes. Oh...
Where's Fizz?
Oh. Right there.
Oh...
- I'm gonna get going. - Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah. - Um... Oh. Pantry.
Um, are you feeling better?
Yeah. Good. Alright. Well, I'll see you... Oh!
I'm sorry. I'll see you later.
Oh. Bag.
Cherry, you've been great. Thanks very much.
Oh. No worries.
Sorry. Bye! See you later.
- Hello? - James!
I've got something really big to tell you
and you're not gonna like it.
Oh, God. What?
See the plant on the shelf in the middle of the window?
Hang on one second.
- It's the babysitter. Coming! - James.
James!
There's a web cam hidden in your kitchen
and everybody's watching you on the internet.
What?!
There's a web cam in your kitchen.
I have to go. They're coming.
James! James! James!
James!
Bugged
I'm so sorry, Cassandra.
- I can't come. I'm not coming. - This is just nerves...
I don't want to be the next big thing.
Stop. Let's just get in the car...
All this time, I have been blaming James and the kids
for making me a nobody.
But it's them that have turned me into somebody.
No-one is asking you to leave your family behind.
Don't you see? That's exactly what will happen.
3 months this time.
- Longer next time, until... - Get her bags.
No, Cassandra. I'm not coming.
You signed a legally binding contract.
Actually, she didn't.
I went to pick up the contract last night
and she hadn't signed it.
She... said that she was gonna bring it this morning,
but she's obviously... ripped it up... or something.
That's right. There is no contract.
Idiot.
Women like me spend years doing the hard yards,
creating opportunities for girls like you.
And what do you do?
You nancy about with all of this vague,
feel-goody, New Agey crap
and piss it all away!
Well, if it means ditching my husband
so that I can break through the glass ceiling, yeah.
I choose to piss it all away.
Don't you presume to know anything about me.
I didn't ditch my husband.
He left me because I couldn't have children.
And guess why I don't tell that story to anyone.
I didn't...
Because that story makes me a sad, lonely loser.
So forgive me if I spin the story
in a way that seems superficial to you, Elspeth,
but that is not how I see myself.
That is not who I am.
I am Cassandra Wolfe.
I run the most successful agency in the Asia-Pacific.
And I am fabulous!
You are fabulous, Cassandra.
Good bye.
Thank you.
Come on.
- I have an idea. - Don't speak just now.
Hello! Mommy's home!
Where's my bubbies?
- Hiya, bubbies! - Again, again!
- Look! Mommy's here. - My turn! Again!
- More, more! - More, more!
More, more!
Hi.
My turn again!
He's not wearing any wings.
Oh, yeah. I... I just suggested it, and...
I hope you don't mind. I just...
We just thought we'd save them for special days.
- Is that alright? - Of course.
Where's their father?
- Hi. - Hey.
I know you're angry with me. I know why.
I had no choice.
That's it? That's the apology?
I was desperate for some sort of contact.
So that makes it OK to expose our kids
to every perv and weirdo who decided to log on?
No, that was a mistake I left the web cam on
to keep an eye on the nanny, that's all.
As soon as I knew everyone was watching, I called you.
- Who's the bloke? - What bloke'?
Oh, come on, Elspeth. Don't do this.
- Rory? He's just a friend. - Not Rory, Neil.
- Who's Rory? - Neil?
Yeah, Neil, who sent you perfume.
Neil sent me perfume?
Oh, well... He's just a boy, Jimmy.
He helped me install the web cam.
Why would he send you perfume?
Because I smell? I don't know.
So who's this Rory?
Nobody.
I'm sorry everyone got to watch you,
but I'm not sorry that I got to watch you,
because I fell in love with you.
I didn't even know I'd fallen out of love with you
until I fell in love with you again,
but that's what happened, Jimmy.
I love you.
James!
How do I know you won't fall out of love with me again?
I won't.
I won't!
if the polar ice is really melting
If icebergs crack and tear apart
If glaciers tumble to the ocean
Why can't I melt
The ice around your heart?
For as you sail away
Your heart grows ever colder
And even in the warm and changing sea
And falling down
Onto the lonely seabed
ls a heart that once belonged
To me
Where are the stars?
Where is the sky?
Where is the chart to guide us by?
Where is the map?
Where is the part
Where I warm your frozen heart?
Your parting words are now an echo
Now angry silence says it all...
Don't want to lose you to the distance
Baby, just hold onto me
And we won't fall
And as I sail away
Your heart grows ever colder
Shifting on an ever-changing sea
Where are the stars? Where is the sky?
Where is the chart to guide us by?
Where is the map?
Where is the part
Where I warm your frozen heart?
Where is the sky?
Where are the stars to guide me by?
Where is the map?
Where is the part
Where I warm your frozen heart?
If the polar ice is really melting
if icebergs crack and tear apart
If glaciers tumble to the ocean
Why can't I melt
The ice around your heart?
What is that? What's wrong with it?
Hey, that's mine! That's mine!
- Welcome home. - Neil! Hi.
Thanks.
- Did you get my present... - Excuse me.
- Aren't you that girl? - Uh, no.
You are. You're Elspeth. I loved your show.
We were on the edge of our seats wondering
if James was gonna bonk that nanny.
Why'd you stop?
Um, technical difficulties.
So, what are you doing now?
Shopping
Neil! Clean-up in aisle 5, please.
- Neil! Clean-up in aisle 5. - Coming!
Apparently, he just packed up and moved out.
- With the babysitter? - No, not Cherry.
- She's starting her own show. - Oh, I heard that.
You know, I heard she knew about the web cam the entire time.
No! I don't believe that.
- Speak of the devil. - Oh, my God.
- Elspeth? - Poor thing.
Hi! It's Sophie, from mothers group. Remember?
Do you want to have a coffee with us later or something?
Um... my ice-cream is melting.
Daddy!
I recorded that this morning. It's a humpback.
Nobody knows exactly why he's doing it.
I think it's 'cause he's lost his mate.
I think he's trying to find his way back to her.
And nothing's gonna stop him
until he finds her again, 'cause she's...
...everything in the world to him.
Ah!
Daddy, Fred done poo!
- Poo! - Oh, good man!
- Well done! - You've done a poo! Thank God!
- Fred, thank God. - Good boy.
Good stuff. Well done.
Oh, I'm proud of you.
He still burns the toast.
He's mastered the ancient art of sock sorting.
He's really trying.
When he's away, he logs on.
He sees me. He hears my sink songs.
Which, of course, you're all welcome to do.
Welcome to my kitchen sink
This is where I stop and think
Where I'm often on the brink
Of madness...
And if you're in the neighbourhood,
drop by and see us in the barn.
Details are on the website. See you next week.
- Welcome to my washing-up - Welcome to my washing-up
- My 40,000th coffee cup - Her 40,000th coffee cup
A place which knows my every sulk
- And sadness - And sadness
Here I'm stuck night after night
Here I plot revenge and flight
Here's the scene of wifely compromise
Pine O Cleen and Lemon Gleam
The kitchen sink is where I dream
And where I fantastic.
Meet at 5 at Party Land
Ring the changes Bring the band
Come with me, dance with me, hand to hand
Let's all have a party
No fussing and no fighting
And everyone's invited
The loving's double-sided
The circuit's overriding
The cells are all dividing It's getting quite exciting
The babes are all arriving
Watch and learn Touch and yearn
Boy, we're gonna make you burn, burn, burn
Let's all have a party
No fussing and no fighting
And everyone's invited
The loving's double-sided
Join at the hip Slide and dip
Let it all rip Work it out and flip
Join at the hip Slide and dip
Let it all rip Work it out and flip...
Lady, get what you want Gentleman, what you want
Baby, get what you want Baby, get what you need
Lady, get what you want
Gentleman, what you want Baby, get what you want
Baby, get what you need
Lady, get what you want Gentleman, what you want
Baby, get what you want
Baby, get what you need.
I get up, go to work
Put a smile on my face
Don't know if the world's gonna give me an ace
But it's alright if you're with me
I look up to the sky, see the rain up ahead
Didn't bring my umbrella, so I'm bound to get wet
But it's alright if you're with me
It's alright when I know that you're with me
It's alright when I know that you're close
I can't handle the world trying to ruin my mood
'Cause it ain't gonna work
Back up, take a train all the way outta town
Can't breathe when there's so many people around
But it's alright if you're with me
It's alright when I know that you're with me
It's alright when I know that you're close
I can't handle the world trying to ruin my mood
'Cause it ain't gonna work
It's alright when I know that you're with me
It's alright when I know that you're close
I can't handle the world trying to ruin my mood
'Cause it ain't gonna work
It's alright when I know that you're with me
It's alright when I know that you're close
I can't handle the world trying to ruin my mood
'Cause it ain't gonna work.
If you didn't do what you wanted to
If you only did what everybody told you
What would you be?
You will always try You will always fly
You will always look a tiger in the eye
Take it from me
I see in your eyes there's a movie of dreams
See there is more to you than it first seems
See you are brighter than all the moonbeams
You know
For you light up the darkness You glow
Don't give up Don't give in
Don't let go
If you never say what you want to say
If you only do it everybody else's way
Who would you be?
If you never shout If you never doubt
If you never rock the boat until we all fall out
Do it for me
For when you are quiet, it troubles my mind
Though life is sometimes bitter as a lemon rind
You'll have a voice
That is one of a kind
You know
Oh, you light up the darkness You glow
Don't give up Don't give in
Don't let go.